my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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