you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
