I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
