im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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