Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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