I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
