Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
