During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
