he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
