Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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