I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
