I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
