i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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