Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
