Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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