if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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