The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
