You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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