Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
