Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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