I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
She's the barista slut.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
