Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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