Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize