there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
