you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
