Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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