If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
