the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? π€ I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesnβt drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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