So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
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