woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
