i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
