I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
not ubering you a puppy
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
