The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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