Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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