when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
