I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Success! We fucked roommates!
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