one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
