I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
