sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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