____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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