I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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