Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
