1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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