can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
