yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
