We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize