Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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