I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize