Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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