dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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