I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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