in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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