Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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