Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
