she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
