I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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