Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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