you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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