mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize