I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
