My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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