3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How's work?
Spinning.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
