turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize