remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Someone came in the potted fern
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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