he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
