I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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