I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
