I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
