I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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