God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
