Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
